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06/23/2006: "How To Eliminate the Competition and Become More Successful."

I'm re-reading a great old book called HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Dale Carnegie. I read the book the first time in the sixties and again in the seventies and once in the eighties. I haven't read it since. But I should have.

People today are rude. People are unkind to each other. You see that in the customer service of most companies. You see that in the people you do business with daily. You see that --- if you look --- in yourself. I know I see it in myself sometimes.

A month or so ago a man e-mailed me for information about my copywriting services. I promptly responded as I generally do. He didn't get back to me. I consider it quite rude and unprofessional for a person who asks for information not to reply with at least an "I'm not interested." But most do not. This man was one of those.

So I forgot him as I do all those who contact me and for whom I do no work. I deleted most references to him so they wouldn't take up space on my computer system and in my backups.

Then a few months later he contacted me. "I'm sorry I didn't get back to you but I've been extremely busy. Would you send that information to me again?"

I honestly didn't remember a thing about what he had originally contacted me for. I barely recognized his name. Because people are self-absorbed they figure everyone remembers them. Of course, that's not the case.

I e-mailed him back and told him honestly that I didn't recall his e-mail and asked him to refresh my memory.

Well, that was not what Dale Carnegie would have had me do. I broke a major rule. I hurt this man's fragile ego and ignored his need to feel important. He saw that I hadn't been sitting around waiting for him to reply to my proposal or whatever I had sent him. In fact, I had forgotten him.

Of course, he didn't reply to me and that I suspect is why. In his mind I had belittled him and made him feel small after he had tried to make himself look important.

What should I have done? I should have pretended that I remembered him and tactfully found out what it was he had wanted. Or better yet, I should have struggled to locate a printout of his e-mail to me or some record I might have of the e-mail.

I should have made him feel important. He obviously wanted to feel important because he told me how awfully busy he had been. That was intended to impress me. Of course, it did not. But people say that for one or more of three reason:

1. They really have been busy (rare)
2. To make an excuse (frequent)
3. To make them appear important (almost always)

In this day of rudeness, we need to get back to the basics if we expect our businesses to grow. People will always need to feel important. People will always prefer to do business with people who make them feel important and valued.

Think of the people in your own life who you care for the most. My guess is that each one of them have one thing in common --- they make YOU feel important.

I know that the people in my life who I have valued the most were people who liked me and made me feel important and valued. They weren't the people who were the smartest or most successful. I was never easily impressed and never intimidated. The only people who mattered to me were those to whom I mattered.

I give my business to people and companies who at least give the appearance of appreciating my business and valuing me. People who are friendly and return my calls rate very high on my value system. People who fail to return my calls and e-mails are discarded and quickly forgotten. These people have shown me a disrespect and I return that with my own disrespect. I think most people are the same way.

Perhaps it was easier to be kind before we were attacked by terrorists on our own soil. Perhaps our lives are more complicated and the times more dangerous. But we all share this time. We all share the same threats. It is hard on all of us. We should be nicer to each other rather than unkind. Is it that hard to do?

This is the age of very rude, very unkind people. That's one reason we are not loyal to any one company or person. People are so busy trying to make themselves appear important that they forget the people on whom their livelihoods depend --- customers, clients and prospects.

It would do us all a lot of good to get back to the rules of life and business that Dale Carnegie made popular for so many decades. Get a copy of the book. You will not win friends and influence people with rudeness and unkindness. We're all going off in the wrong direction and we need to turn around.

The people who have meant the most to me in my life were those who were kind to me and who showed me respect. It's hard not to like such a person. So if you want to be successful, be kind and thoughtful to people. Return their calls and their e-mails. Make them feel important. Don't do so much horn blowing and building up your own ego at their expense. You'll be important when you make them feel important. You will be repaid with a good reputation and lots of business.

One of the most memorable individuals in my life was Mary Turkington of Topeka, KS. Mary was the executive director of The Kansas Motor Carriers Association for many years. She was a very effective lobbyist at the state house and in Washington D.C. and an important person in her time. She was also, for a brief time, my stepmother.

What I remember most about Mary was that everyone liked her. No one didn't like Mary. They enjoyed being around her. Why did they like her and delight in her company? The reason was simple. She made everyone feel like the most important person in the world. She called them by their name. She used their names a lot. She looked them in the eye and showed a real interest in them. She talked about them, not herself. Her secret was just that simple.

It made Mary a well liked person. She earned the respect of everyone who knew her or knew of her. And it made her very successful.

Had she been rude and hateful like most people today she would have been disliked. She would have been a failure. She would have retired without friends or a support system. But Mary retired with many friends and lots of business associates with whom she continued activities in the business world. She can look back on her life as a success.

Andrew Carnegie, one of the most successful and richest people in history, had his simple philosophy put on his tombstone. It read, "Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself." All successful people in all walks of life know it is wise to get smarter people than themselves around them to fill in the gaps of their own lack. They know the value of other people and don't take all the credit for themselves.

Emerson said, "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Dale Carnegie said in his book, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

It is true and always will be true that people do things for their reasons, not yours. Yes people are selfish and think the world revolves around themselves. You can't change that. You're like that too. So am I. So live with it. Work with it. Accept it and use it. Let them think the world DOES revolve around them. It won't hurt you. It may even make you rich!

I don't mean flattery. Flattery is phony and people hate it. I always know when I'm being buttered up and it instantly makes me dislike the person doing it. No, I'm talking about really caring about the other person and his or her needs and concerns. I'm talking about being gracious to them and saying nice things about them --- things that are true.

The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Use the bait they like --- not what you like. You may like steak. But if you want to catch a fish you use a worm, not steak.

If this method of dealing with people doesn't work, you can always go back to showing everyone how important you are. Then you'll be in the majority again and someone else can stand out from the crowd and grab the success that could have been yours.

Dale Carnegie said, "The world is full of people . . . grabbing, self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition."

A woman called me a few weeks ago. She was the buyer for a large corporation and asked my opinion of a certain product which is sold online. She knew I used it at one time. I told her it was a fine product. But I added truthfully that technical support was practically non-existent.

"If technical support is important to you, I wouldn't consider buying it," I told her. I added that if I had known before I bought it that support was so bad I would not have made the purchase from them.

"I sort of suspected that," she said. "I am still waiting for a reply to my e-mail," she added.

I told her that throughout the years that I had the product I got very few replies to my e-mails to them and they gave close to no support. So she opted not to buy from them. That company lost at least one large order because of their self-serving attitude and lack of care for the other person. I suspect they've lost much more and will at some point be out of business.

Businesses can only survive so long by being self-serving and not acknowledging customers and others as important to their success. The same applies to individuals. Since so few people and businesses really care about anyone other than themselves the person who develops the ability to do so will indeed have little or no competition.

So begin now to eliminate the competition. Begin to give a damn about others. It costs you nothing and gives you so much.